buy me a shiny new machine that runs on lies and gasoline

i feel like i can write pretty candidly about my life and going ons here. i know of only one steady reader and know that what i say on here is what i would already tell him. i feel like this blog was my way of communicating what was going on in my life while he was on his adventure. i'm going to keep this going, though, and hopefully i'll get something out of it. i've been meaning to improve my writing, and seriously, is there any better opportunity to do this than a blog? that's a rhetorical question.

one of the things i've come to realize after being away at college, moving out and missing summers with high school friends is that people change. or maybe, people mature.

my high school life was horrible. i didn't have an established group of friends, jumped from person to person, and never really knew who i was. apparently, a lot of people saw me as this confidant person who knew where she was going, was true to herself. i've been told that people actually looked up to me in high school; wanted to be more like me. they had a pretty shitty way of showing it though.

i was that girl who wasn't invited to things, who heard about parties and gatherings after the fact. popular enough to know those people, but still not cool enough to see them on the weekends.

then something changed. i discovered music, and i truly believe that if it wasn't for "the district sleeps alone tonight" by the postal service, i'd be a different person right now. with music, i knew who i was. i didn't need others to make me happy, because in music i found myself. sappy, i know.

since then, i've always felt confidant. i didn't let the petty happenings and drama of high school get to me. i arrived at UK a different person, set on making new friends. not even a month into the school year, i felt accepted by a group of incredible, diverse people and had people from high school wanting to hang out with me. suddenly, i was cool. i haven't felt insecure in a long time, i said goodbye to my former scrawny, mousy self a long time ago.

tonight, i felt transported back to sophomore year. before indie music, before friends.

i kid you not, i was a joke tonight. i was the brunt of inside jokes, side laughs and shifty eyes. i couldn't believe what was going on around me. someone who i had confided so much in, who i thought was my friend, had seemingly turned on me, broke my confidence and bitch slapped me in the face with it. ouch.

i had to literally sit through an hour and a half of torture. i had to watch her charm him, watch him teased and doted on by the other girls, and realize that i was being ignored.

all i wanted was to spend one evening with him. it started out so well.

anyways, i can't wait to get to california. there's nothing i want to see more than the beaches of newport, the boardwalk, and those beautiful california sunsets.