I associate people with things. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius reminds me of my best guy friend from high school, John. John was my closest friend, despite the fact that we never saw each other. We spoke for hours at a time on the computer and on the phone. Mostly on the computer. We made half-hearted attempts to hang out. I never knew how smart he was until he told me his senior year schedule. I knew he was ambitious, but I didn't know he was a genius. We bitched and complained about how much we hated high school, about how much we wanted to get out of Louisville and head to bigger places. He was debating schools like Harvard, Yale and Dartmouth. I desperately wanted to attend Northwestern. In the end he enrolled at U of L since they're practically paying him to go there, and I ended up at UK. We don't talk as much anymore, but when I was going through my books today, I thought of him.

When I listen to the Weakerthans, I think of the two people I'm pretty sure I love the most. Teresa was probably the closest thing I had to a best friend at Assumption. She was always there, always smiling, and always up to having a good time. She let me stay at her house when I was too scared to drive home, let me hang out on her kitchen floor, and went on adventures with me. She was smart, funny, religious, kind, but never too serious. I adored her family and had a crush on her brother. She introduced me to the Weakerthans, the only band I can listen to on repeat and not get sick of. I don't see much of her anymore since she goes to Notre Dame, but when I do see her, it's as though nothing has changed. We pick up where we left off, a constant conversation that's put on pause as she endures the bitter cold of South Bend, Indiana and I stay here, in Kentucky.

Then there's Brad. The one person I always feel comfortable talking to. The person I'm missing the most right now. Despite everything that happened last year, I consider him one of my closest friends. I burned him a Weakerthans cd, knowing that he'd love it. It took him awhile to actually listen to it, but to have him tell me that he loved it? Moments like that--introducing people to music and having them discover a new favorite band--make my heart swell. I love that music does that to me.

I'm listening to the Weakerthans right now. I want to tell them both that, while I know they might roll their eyes at this, I'm so glad that they exist.

I think I might be getting sick. I've tried my damnedest to stay healthy, and I'm not going to lie, I've done one hell of a job. I can't even remember the last time I was sick.

I keep getting these shooting, sharp pains in my right inner-ear and the same sharp, shooting pain in my head. It's been going on for a couple of days and I'm thinking that if it still bothers me tomorrow I should go to the doctor.

If there's one thing I hate more than...actually, there's nothing I hate more than the doctor. Maybe the dentist, to my friend's dismay. But the doctor takes the cake.

I'm thinking it might be sinuses, but I'm not sure. Either way, I'm kind of in pain.

So it's been a few days since the last time this blog has seen some fresh words and music. The week's been pretty slow, and I've been busy working and taking pictures. I took one of my favorite pictures on Saturday, and while it didn't run in the paper, I was happy with the overall experience of attending the Kentucky Refugee Picnic. It's amazing, the stories these people told. Many of the refugees fled from the war in the Congo, while others were from Sierra Leone, Togo, Central Africa Republic and Liberia. As I sat with the reporter, hearing stories about a man being held captive in a hole for a month, or a family's struggle to leave Tanzania, I realized that it's moments like this that emphasize why I'm going into journalism. Or at least, why I'm studying it. Even if I don't become a photojournalist, I know that I want to document. I want to tell stories. I want to change people for the better through pictures, words and film.

That was heavy.

The coffee shop job isn't too bad, but the 7-12am kills me. I'm too tired after I get back to do anything, and I can't see anyone that night because I have to wake up so early. No more complaining though, because it's money and if I need anything right now, it's some green green cash.

Have you ever met a person and you two seemed to fit together perfectly? From the most broad of interests, such a movies, to the most minute details of life, such as a love for Blue Bell Ice Cream or the fascination of movie trailers? Because I've met someone, someone I'm finally excited about seeing, who gives me that feeling of pure joy when I see him or talk to him or just share dessert with him. And I'm so new at this, so naive as to how I go about this awkward dance of invites and chatting and shared smiles and brief, tingling touches. But this is what he reminds me of: the missing piece of the puzzle, the person who understands this passion for film that no one else I know can comprehend. The person who enjoys coming over to help cook and doesn't mind doing the dishes, who takes life as it comes, is motivated, smart and gives me that feeling I haven't felt about someone in a long time.

And what I've come to realize, what my friend pointed out from his experience, is that what's happening seems to be incredibly organic. It didn't start out as a physical attraction, a drunken hook-up or anything that can cause a relationship to be doomed from the beginning. This may not even be a possible relationship, but what I've come to find is that what's happening is completely the way an attraction to someone, the beginning of something should happen.

Slowly, naturally. It went from hardly knowing him to happenstance chats to a full out two hour talk over lunch and discovering how much there was in common. It was in these moments, these hard times I was having with another person, that I saw his smile. And maybe that's what has won me over.

The entire house is rooting for this kid, and secretly deep down I hope that I don't ruin this.

I was going to post music, but I've come to find that I'm more tired than I anticipated. This day has worn me out, and at the end of it, I feel exhausted and confused. I left my roommates at the moment I received a text to hang out. And while in the end, this night it turned out to be decent, I can't help but feel like I caved in.

I just finished working my third week at the coffee cart in the hospital. So far, so good. It isn't the best job, but the hours are extremely flexible and I make decent tips. I've managed to hurt my self a lot, though, such as various burns on my fingers, some wicked bruises and sore muscles from the damn espresso machine. However, a conversation with a man walking by describes my experience so far at the cart.

I'm sitting in my chair, reading Maggie Cassidy and watching for customers. It's been slow for about an hour, with me selling mainly regular coffees. Enter older gentleman, in mid to late 50s, bent over, walking, with his hand supporting his lower back. Man looks over at me and smiles.

"How're you today?" he asks me.

"I'm alright," I respond, trying to cover the sleepiness in my voice with a smile. "How're you today?"

"Terrible," he responds. Man hobbles away to outpatient surgery.

My smile is wiped off my face and I let out a small, "oh" under my breath, not knowing the proper response.

Yeah, I kid you not. That happened. The place is depressing and makes me dread getting old. I want to look forward to old age. I don't want to end up in a hospital, in pain, young faces pitying me as I'm wheeled away to my doom.

Blah.

I'm loving Maggie Cassidy by Jack Kerouac. I've decided if I have a little girl, she's going to be named Margaret Cassidy.

I need to take more pictures.

all this time lingers undefined

Despite the fact that I'm not happy with the pictures I've been taking, I've somehow managed to be in the newspaper a lot. Today, I had a picture on the front page. Seriously.

I'm the type of person who tends to worry about things and over analyze situations to death. I worry about whether or not we'll all still be friends by the time Austin City Limits rolls around and we have to drive 16 hours to see what might be the best and greatest concerts of our young lives.

I worry about when you turn 21, and if we'll ever spend time together like we do now. The age discrepancy will be painfully obvious when you're 21 and all your friends are 21 and I'm still 19 and will always be a year and a half younger than you. Will you still come over for a beer and a movie on a Friday night? And on your birthday, I won't be able to share any moments with you because you'll be with her, in Louisville. It's this thought alone that brings me down and makes my stomach clench out of nervousness.

This is a horrible comparison, but it's like Joey and Dawson. They weren't meant to be, but despite Dawson's lust for the beautiful, mysterious next door neighbor, Jen, Joey still pinned for Dawson. But all Dawson ever saw Joey as was a friend, the girl he's always known as his friend.

Of course, in the end Dawson ends up wanting Joey, but we all know Joey and Pacey were MEANT TO BE. So I guess what I'm saying is that I know it's futile, and that these intense feelings will go away eventually...but being the friend who is tossed aside and ignored for the beautiful girl sucks. It's selfish to want to keep you for myself. But that doesn't take away that dread of your 21st birthday.

Seriously though, that's the thought that's been eating away at me. I'm so dramatic sometimes, it makes me want to gag.

My mother spent the entire day at the hospital with my dying great-grandfather, which she didn't even have to do because he's on my dad's side and we hardly know him. My mom is amazing. And I felt horrible when she was telling me about this and I was shopping for clothes at J. Crew.

I'm listening to the Weakerthans right now. A lot of the songs on here remind me of you.

When I look at the pictures I've taken in the past few weeks, I really begin to wonder if I'm cut out for this. I feel like instead of improving, I'm progressively getting worse and worse. My pictures lack variety, they lack emotion. And I know what they need, I know what I need to improve on, yet nothing is happening. I'm afraid maybe I'm losing my focus, which is pathetic, since I've only been doing this for two years.

I'm frustrated, and today's assignment just nailed it on the head that I'm not only letting the newspaper down, but I'm letting myself down too.

I feel overworked and stressed. I needed a paying job to be able to stay in Lexington for the summer, and now I'm feeling the stress from my other job. It makes me not look forward to the two days I work at the paper, because that's two more days that I have to work.

And I'm upset that I'm not enjoying this. That I'm not learning and spending time with my photo coach because of this stupid job. I'm not getting out of this what I should be, and I think the paper knows that. I'm waiting for the email or phone call that asks me to come in, that we "need to have a talk."

I'm shooting something tomorrow morning, and I'm determined to look at it differently. To do better, to deliver and to have that special something that's been missing in my photos for the past few months.

ETA:
I have some pretty incredible friends. I need to write a thank you note to a family in Middlesboro. And, I tacked a message to to your cork board. You won't get it until July, but the message should ring true then as it does now.

Last night I ventured to Louisville with some of my Lexington "family" to see The National with Talkdemonic and Shapes 'n Sizes. While I was only able to take pictures of Talkdemonic, the entire show was stunning. I wish I could have captured it on camera, but for the first time in...ever, I was denied access to take pictures. I'm so used to being press that when I'm actually just a person with a really expensive camera, I'm sort of taken aback. I guess it was a nice reality check. I was there for my own personal enjoyment, not press. Despite this, I think that I was able to get in some decent pictures from Talkdemonic. I've never used my 30D at a show before, so actually metering and trying to get the light just right was difficult. My pictures came out weird, but I like them.

I bumped up my ISO to 3200. I don't think I've ever done that before.

Overall, it was a great show. The National pretty much blew me away. I don't know a lot of their music, but I knew that it would be a good show. What was great was that the crowd was absolutely smitten with the band, and you could tell that the band members were having a great time playing.

It was defiintely worth the drive to Louisville and the quiet car ride back home. As much as I hated waking up after five hours of sleep, last night was worth it.

So I guess I should retract that last post. I didn't think I had any readers, but I guess one is worth keeping this thing going.

There's not a whole lot that's been going on with me. I work six days a week, and it's tiring and sometimes I'm not up to seeing people; I cloister myself up in my room and watch reruns of Friends or pop in some good old Felicity.

Haven't had too many adventures. I'm the type of person who hangs out with the same people every night, and with this work schedule, staying in and watching Pete & Pete with my roommate and one of my closest pals is pure bliss.

I've been missing my California buds like crazy. So much so that I don't even think one of the knows the extent of how much I miss him. It's just odd, going from seeing the same people every day for almost a year to not talking for days at a time.

The radio show's been going well. I don't have that many listeners and hey, it's cool. I'm on from three to six am, so I don't know what I was expecting. Some weeks I have tons of callers, most of them are looking for people to talk to. And I guess we're both in the same situation. By the time 4:30am rolls around, I'm desperate for some form of communication. Because what it comes down to is me talking to this imaginary void, trying to engage whoever is listening. It's gratifying to have someone call in and say they really enjoyed a track or they like what I'm playing. But to go a whole night without a phone call? It's crazy.

Plus, I hit that hour where no one is on Facebook. Have you ever seen "No Friends Online" on your "Currently Online"? Because it happens. Usually around 5 a.m.

So, here comes the music:

Sonny Jim::Can't Stop Moving
I can't get enough of this. It makes me want to get on my feet and dance.
M.I.A.::Hit That
This just oozes hip-hop. MIA does things to me that no other female hip-hop artist could.
The Frames::Falling Slowly
This is from a new release, "Once". It looks like a great movie, and the epic chorus with the combination of gradual building of string instrumental gets me every time.
Phat Kat::Cold Steel F/Elzhi
This might just ooze even more hip-hop than MIA. The beats are incredible and the rhymes are just downright impressive. If I could play this on the radio, I would.
Seabear::I Sing I Swim
God, I listened to Seabear 21 times last week and 19 times this week. Seabear is mellow in the way that you need. It's the right amount of smooth, lush indie music and folk. Iceland at it's best.
Nada Surf::Your Legs Grow
I can't believe I just discovered this song. I'd been listening to Nada Surf for awhile but my friend bought me "Your Weight is a Gift" last week and since then, I can't stop listening. You'll love this if you love songs that build up and leave you feeling cleansed.

That's a lot of music. I've been getting into some different genres, expanding my musical horizons. I've said this before, but what's great about working for WRFL is that I'm forced to look into new music and seek things out. I get online and see what's up on the different music blogs. You Aint No Picasso keeps me up to date on my sugar-coated, lush indie-pop/rock. Other sites like So Much Silence and Gorilla v.s. Bear help me out with my underground hip-hop and mahsups. And Music For Robots keeps me on top of the house/electronica scene.

Anyways, that's basically it from my what, week hiatus?

I dunno. There's tons of other things going. Things I'm trying to figure out and sort. I'm interested in seeing where the next few weeks take me. I've been weirded out, confused, and felt head-over-heels all in the past week and a half. What's crazy about summer is that everything feels so much bigger. I said this about college, but living on your own and completely making your own decisions and spending nights out with friends, just drinking and watching television. It's different. And when I go home, I feel out of place. Like this almost adult that doesn't fit in with the family. I'm not a kid, but I'm not a grown-up.

Shew.

Just listen to the music. If you do anything and skim this post, at the least, give the music a chance.

I wonder if anything more will come out of this besides bitching about my life?

I would talk about my internship and how I met these incredible nuns that could change your life, but I'll save that for next time. There's too many words as it is right now .

Well, this was fun.

Short lived, but fun.

The End.